Bitterness

I was talking to a friend about being bitter about the church.  I realize that I am bitter, perhaps not in an extreme, but I have a lot to resent.  I figure that I need to write about what I am actually bitter about.  It will be easier to deal with if I can let it out and examine it, rather than bury it and ignore it.

Word of warning, this will be more angry sounding than it probably needs be, if you don't like it, deal with it.

What am I bitter about?  Probably more than anything else, the fact that I felt like my personality was suppressed by religion.  The church seemed to prevent me from being able to fully express myself, and I haven't felt able to really get to know myself until I finally let go of the church.  Instead I, like everyone else that is truly faithful, buried my personality and took on the standard Peter priesthood type of behavior.  Knowing that that isn't me, I slowly pulled away from that, but it took a long time to fully break away and discover myself.

Another thing, the fact that the church seems to be filled with lies and deceit.  The many "revelations" and scriptures and teachings, the leaders that, at least the higher ups, have to know that it isn't true on some level.  The fact that everything is more or less a farce.

The guilt and control are things that I have talked about before, but I resent being forced to do so many things that I really didn't need or want to do, the fact that I felt guilty if I didn't go to the temple enough,  pray enough, read my scriptures enough, and then I would feel guilty for not doing things "the right way" because I didn't ever feel what I supposed to, which in retrospect is more indicative of it being hollow, not being my fault.

I also resent the amount of time the church took and still takes.  While my mission was a great experience in some ways, that was two years that I won't get back.  All the hours and pain and work for the church in callings and attendance, at church, activities, and at home.  These things did not necessarily add value to my life, except within the context of church.  It all helped me to "progress" on the gospel, but all of that is now meaningless once I leave it behind.  No wonder so many people don't want to give it up, even if it becomes obvious.  So much is invested in your church membership, that it becomes painful to break away.  However, once you know the truth, it really does set you free. There is no need to hide from the truth, it can only help you to be happier and to grow.

Now, I am really just left with lots of questions, like where am I going, where did I come from,Mehta is the purpose of life.  However, I also know that having and answer just to have an answer will never satisfy me, and I am not greatly perturbed by not having all the answers.  Perhaps that is more of my life's work, to discover the answers to these important questions, to discover it for myself.  I want the truth this time, not something made up and manipulative,